Adoption links

Birthmother poem

2007-05-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day
By Jennifer Wilson-Pines

One day a year,
The inevitable card, a dinner.
Mediocre chocolates in a box
elaborate enough to satisfy
a three-year-old's discerning taste.

Every day is mother's day
The hands stretched up for a hug,
pizza smeared kisses,
the soft warm weight
tucked in to my arms
trustingly surrendered to sleep.
Even the tired tantrums.

I am a mother
every second of the day.
My daughter is stitched
into every fiber of my life.
I love her with an intensity
that took me by surprise.
Surpassed only by the fear
of losing her.

But she has another mother,
The woman in the mirror,
The shadow, who comes
and goes through invisible doors.

You first felt her stir, roll
and kick inside you.
The contraction that announced
her impending arrival,
heard the first cry, touched
the downy fuzz on her head,

And left her.

And I grapple with this,
As she will sooner than I wish.

Without you, I would not be a mother.
Your loss and hers is my gain.
I honor you by loving her
shiny black hair, rosebud mouth,
She is made of you,
how could I not?

How could I understand
That a few days after her birth,
in the deep of winter,
she was left outside.

When she cries in fear or anger,
"I'm cold,"
I am seized with a rage
as icy and unforgiving
as that January night.

When she tells me the life story
of our formerly feral cat
is the same as hers,
I want to weep,
that I can't change it
or make it go away.

Can I say I would never do the same?
No
Judge not…..

Perhaps it was the desperation
of a mother
who throws her children
from a burning building.
Hoping and praying
that someone will catch them.
That they will be safe.
Perhaps, perhaps,
I will never know.

Do you miss her,
wonder at what might have been,
where is she now?

Our daughter is dancing, far away,
dressed in a Cinderella blue gown.
Serving tea to a stuffed turtle,
singing songs of her own invention.
You will never hear her voice.
She will never see your face.

She is neither you or me.
She is the third way,
already crafting her own story.
You gave her life,
I give her a future.

Happy Mother's Day.

2005-12-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

Letter to adopted child...

2005-12-08T06:40:00.000-08:00

This was posted by a parent on APC I believe and I thought it was excellent. I think it is wonderful the way it is written to the 2nd grader level in a way that would be likely to make a child feel empowered. It has been redacted for personal info:

Dear Child:
Today you will meet your 2nd grade teacher, Ms. ______. When school starts on Monday you will meet new friends in your class.Wow, 2nd grade already! Your Mom and I are very proud of you. As you grow into a bigger girl, we need to talk about big girl things. Someday you will hear some things that could hurt your feelings if you are notprepared. So let's talk about it and prepare you.You know how in your adoption story we taught you things are sometimes hard in China, and that we don't know your birth-mom or birth-dad or why they couldn't keep you, but we think maybe they loved you but had to let you go? Remember how wonderful adoption is because it builds a forever family? And remember how Mom and I are your REAL parents and our family is forever? Well, some kids don't understand that. They haven't learned as much as youknow about adoption, and they don't know anything about China. In fact, you know more about it now at 7 years old than most adults. So kids that don't understand might say things like "Those aren't your real parents!" But you know that we are. Kids might say "Your real mom and dad didn't want you!" But you know they just don't know what they are talking about. Kids might say "Being adopted isn't as good as me." But you know that adoption is just the way a family is formed, and you are our daughter forever. NOBODY is better than you. Why do kids say mean things like that? Well, just like you, when they are learning new things, they seem to have little boxes in their head that tell them how things are supposed to be. When they see something that doesn't fit what they have learned, they say so, even if it sounds mean. So you see,kids might say dumb things about adoption because they haven't been taught what it really means. Some adults have never learned either. In fact, you will hear the word "adoption" used in different ways. Did you know many words have several different meanings? You know you are a kid. But did you know "kid" also means a baby goat? Did you know "kid" means to joke around with someone? Do children, baby goats and joking around have anything at all to do with one another? No, of course not. That is just the way the word "kid" is used. It's the same with the word "adopt." A city might "adopt" a new law. A group of thoughtful citizens might "adopt" a stretch of highway to clean up the litter. At Christmas your class might "adopt" a needy family and collect gifts for them. Someone you know might "adopt" a cat or dog or other pet. And since most kids haven't learned about adoption yet, they might tease you about being adopted like a highway. But does adopting a highway to clean up mean the same thing as a family being formed by adoption? No, of course not. Those are just different ways the word is used in the world, and it means something totally different. Kids just haven't learned what the word means in different uses, and some adults never learn either. So when you hear teasing like that, you know that you have learned things others just don't know, and their teasing comes from not knowing. If someone is mean to you because they don't know what adoption means, it isimportant for you to remember not to feel bad for yourself, feel bad for THEM because they don't know about adoption. We don't call people names,that isn't nice, but you can tell them:"You don't know what you are talking about." Or " You should learn aboutadoption and what it really means."Or if they insist on being mean you could tell them: "That's private to my family, it's none of your business." And if someone is mean to you about adoption over and over, talk to your teacher and ask if she can explain to them about adoption and what it really means, because they need to learn about such important things.You already know you should be proud to be from China. You have two countries, two cultures, two histories. It will take kids some time to understand that part that makes you so special. But never-ever let kids who don't know about adoption or China make you feel bad about yourself even though they try. You just know more than they do. Maybe they will learn some day and understand that you are just as much our daughter as if you grew in Mom's tummy, and adoption is just they way our family was formed. And it's our beeswax, anyway, isn't it?